Mensa Membership Application - Hartselle, AL

Mensa is a non-profit organization that restricts membership to a select few of highly intelligent people. Members must score at the 98th percentile or higher on a supervised intelligence test. In layman's terms, you've got to be extremely smart to get into the club. Which leads us to the story of a future member to this select group of brilliant minds, Garry Michael Wilson of Hartselle, AL.

Mr. Wilson apparently thought it would be a good idea to steal a car. Now, if I was ever going to steal a car I would look for a couple of things. First, it needs to be valuable. No use in stealing a 88' Bonneville. Second, it has to be easily accessible. The owner shouldn't be around when the theft occurs. Finally, you need to be able to drive the car. Sounds pretty solid if you ask me.

Let's see how Garry did with my simple requirements. First, he decided to steal a BMW Z3. That's valuable enough so check. Second, the car was easily accessible since it was located at a neighbor's house on the same street Mr. Wilson lived on. That's accessible enough so check. Finally, the BMW Z3 had a manual transmission. One problem, Garry doesn't know how to drive a stick so no check. He managed to get two blocks before being caught by neighbors and the owner. By the way, they were on foot!

Kudos to the Hartselle school system for turning out this prize.

The Train is completely off the tracks...

If there was any doubt that Mayor Larry Langford was insane then today's announcement concerning the Olympics will remove that possibility. You'll remember the genius thought Birmingham had a shot at hosting the 2020 games. Now we find out that it cost $500,000 just to submit an application. Sounds like a worthy cause to blow half a million dollars on don't you think? Clearly the city doesn't have any other needs. After you read the brief article make sure you read the comments posted at the bottom. I think the mayor has all of the support he needs...

From www.themuletrader.com..

Some of you may be familiar with The Mule Trader. It is a weekly publication out of Clanton, Alabama. It is chock full of items for sale, from used tires and mattresses to old school buses. However, my favorite section is the animals for sale. If you are looking for a pet, forget those high prices at Pet Smart and other pet stores. Come to the country and get your pet directly from the source. From Bearded Dragons, to Jersey milking cows, the mule trader has it. Sometimes, you even run across an ad for someone looking for a particular animal, such as this one:

WANTED: TWO COONS, mean or not, will pay $5 each. 205-276-8119

Now suppose I had just trapped a couple of coons that were getting into my garbage, and I wanted to turn them into pets, but they happened to be particularly fearsome. While contemplating what I should do with my little furry friends, I happened to read the Mule Trade and saw the above ad. Well I would have just made myself $10 dollars! I'm sure the little fellows would be going to a good home.

Mayor Larry Langford, modern day Don Quixote

Don Quixote is about a man at odds with reality as he pursues his impossible dream. Larry Langford should officially change his name. The reason being he has an impossible dream for Birmingham to host the 2020 Olympics. Let me remind you of the cities that are competing to host in 2012: Paris, Madrid, London, New York, and Moscow. I don't know about you but I don't see anything Birmingham has in common with those cities.

Here are some of the more memorable quotes from the article. "Why not Birmingham? - that's my question," Langford said Friday. "You don't know what you can do till you try it. We've got everything it takes to make it work." This quote may remind you of the windmill scene in the book. How about this one, "We are an international city," he said. "The whole world looks at Birmingham either in a positive light or a negative light." The last comment is so profound I'm at a lost to even fathom the rationale. The last time I checked Birmingham didn't have any direct flights to a city outside of the United States. The reason the airport can even call itself international is because it receives international mail.

Birmingham has problems with crime and a desolate business district. Instead of going off on some wild fantasy maybe the mayor should focus on solving the problems confronting the city today. It's unfortunate the constituents of Birmingham elected this joke of a city official. This speaks volumes to the people that voted. Please focus on the Olympics while city schools have to be shut down. Please focus on the Olympics while people are afraid to live downtown. Please focus on the Olympics while no national grocery store will locate downtown.

Maybe Langford's next tasks should be to solve world hunger and global warming. He seems like the right man for the job.

Alabama History, part 1

I don't want to be a bore, trying to educate readers of theoceancalled, but there are no naked Jesus/George Bush stories, so here it goes.
William Rufus deVane King is the only Alabamian who has served as vice-president of the United States. William was actually born in North Carolina, and served in Congress as an North Carolinian, but moved to Alabama to start a plantation near Selma. So, he's not actually an Alabamian, but we take credit for him. We have a habit of doing that. If you pass through the state on your way to fame, we will claim you.
Anyway after moving to Alabama, Rufus was elected to the US Senate, and served for nearly 30 years in the Senate, including several years as Senate President pro tempore (Rufus may have actually served with current president pro tempore Robert Byrd). In 1852, William was elected to the vice-presidency on the Democratic ticket with Franklin Pierce. William was in Cuba recuperating for "health reasons" and actually took the oath of office on foreign soil. He served as vice-president for only 45 days before dying of tuberculosis.
Now for the interesting part. Mr. King was a bachelor. He lived with future president James Buchanan for 15 years. Andrew Jackson, referred to Mr. King as "Aunt Fancy" or "Miss Nancy", due to his "relationship" with Buchanan. Buchanan and King's family destroyed some of their correspondence, which is pretty damning evidence in my book. I imagine they would have been like the Seinfeld episode where Susan reads the letter written to her father from John Cheever, "..i fear my orgasm has left me a cripple.". See history isn't so bad!

Readers outside of Alabama, let's discuss stereotypes..

Alabamians are typically stereotyped as redneck, uneducated, and willing to whup somebodies ass over something as small as an unkept yard. Well here's a story that backs up that stereotype, and it has a sweet video of a minor ass whippin. That is if you can watch the video from your work. Some workplaces don't allow you to stream video at your work. Can you believe that?
Anyway the unkept yard guy had it coming to him. Can you believe his excuse? "I just got my tractor fixed", what kind of moron has a broken down tractor in the middle of summer. Fix the damn thing man! You got grass to cut. Not only that, he's got bushes and thickets growed up in his yard, it's a health hazard to kids! Does the man not realize that North America has 4 species of poisonous snakes, and all can be found here in Alabama?

The Next Big Political Party

Most people who are registered to vote fall into one of two categories: Republicans or Democrats. However, in recent years there has been a movement to start new political parties out of growing frustration with the status quo. Check out this list of the most well-known.

Today I happened to stumble across this jewel courtesy of our neighbors in Hamilton, AL.

Wrong number ???

If your child is munching on a carpenter's crayon that might contain lead what should you do? Chances are you probably said call the poison control center. They should be able to walk you through the steps to properly handle this potential dangerous situation. Just be prepared to answer one important question.

This is not really something you would expect to see in Alabama.

No, it is not a compound run by some neo-nazi whackos, it is a government funded retirement home. This has to be the result of some government architect going through one too many "Whale Done" type seminars, and saying to hell with it. Why not take a symbol of the biggest threat to the world in the 20th century, and design a retirement home in the shape of a swastika. Our tax dollars were spent to build the shrine to Hitler, and we recently spent 1 million dollars to make the swastika less obvious (notice the additions in the lower left and upper right corners), but I don't think we succeeded.

FAIL and FAIL again.

This Colbert county man had a bad weekend. He first made a poor decision to attempt to burglarize a home, and was caught by the homeowners. The homeowners "held" the man until authorities arrived. While the sheriff was taking a statement from the homeowners, the robber had another brilliant idea to steal the patrol car. Minutes later, he was in custody again. By looking at his mugshot, it appears that Colbert county deputies do not carry tasers, as Mr. Tyler looks to have been served an old fashioned pistol whipping.

Why???

This week the Boaz Recreational Director was charged with reckless endangerment. You are probably asking yourself how could this happen. It happens when two men get in an argument at their son's football practice because one parks his city pickup truck in the view of the other. Instead of just moving the vehicle or being civil the director decides the best course of action is to pull out a pistol.

I'm sure the city of Boaz is bursting with joy over this display in judgment by one of its employees. I guess the guy got suspended or even fired from his job. Actually, the city council voted 3-2 against the mayor's recommendation to terminate the director. I've got an idea, instead of firing the moron who pulled the pistol they should just fire the three geniuses that decided against the mayor's recommendation.

What makes a good story for this blog?

Let's see, in this one we've got public nudity, Jesus, George Bush, tasers, alcohol, and of course Alabama. This story is brought to you by the lovely community of Pinson, where you may remember this little domestic dispute took place. This story may not make national news like that one did, but it does have a lot going for it. The story needs no embellishment, truth is indeed stranger than fiction. mash here

Go ahead and mark your calendars for Aug. 24 and 25th

UFO Days at Fyffe are back again. The sleepy little hamlet nestled in Sand Mountain is ready to celebrate their past by remembering a time when "Unidentified Flying Objects were sighted by numerous citizens in the area". I would love to give some legitimacy to the Fyffe community and their UFO sightings, but this is also the area famous for it's snake handlers. So just suppose that during a prayer meeting some parishioner's got a little sloppy handling the ol' timber rattler, and Mr. No-shoulders got him a little bite. Well Jimmy Earl and Linda Sue leave church in a venom induced haze and they see some flashing lights. I think I'm gonna need a little more than a that to convince me to go to Fyffe.
After checking out their web page, i've always been bothered that here in the Bible belt we allow high schools to have nicknames like the "devils". I can kinda see Blue Devils, because that implies maybe a friendlier devil. But when your fronting the Red Devils, you are sorta asking for the blessings of Big Red. Maybe I'm being a little too conservative, their website depicts a rather friendly version of the dark one.

Fiscal Responsibility

When governments need an influx of money they have a couple of options. They can borrow from a bank or issue a bond. The steps for doing this are well known in the financial sector. For this reason, bonds are generally low risk. However, if the issuer is Jefferson County you may have a problem. Most of you know by now the debacle that is the sewer bond. As the days go by we are reminded of the incompetence displayed by the county commissioners. The unfortunate part as that incompetent leadership equals squandering tax payer dollars. The following article appeared on al.com today. Please pay close attention to the bottom of page 1. It appears the tax payers are now going to pay a firm ($100,000/month) to manage the process of repaying investment bankers. That's $1.2 million a year to manage the crisis.

Bettye Fine Collins had this classic quote "I don't know any way to handle it than to bring in the folks with the expertise." That's great Bettye but shouldn't you thought of that before the bond was issued? Commissioner Bobby Humphryes said the investment banks in New York were not cooperating and costing the county money. Mr. Humphryes, that's what happens when you borrow money and don't make the payments. That's not a very hard concept to fathom is it?

I guess in the end the blame lies with the voters. If it wasn't for us we wouldn't be in this mess. We did elect these geniuses.

Be careful what you wish for...

It looks as though the city of Birmingham has decided to seek bids from architects for a domed stadium. This can only mean one thing it's a done deal. That's what the ever optimistic mayor of Birmingham believes. Just think, Birmingham may get a dome and a beluga whale.

Yay! We're #1!

Wait, it's not good to be #1? Not when your state has the top spot in a book about the dirtiest political campaigns in history.
At the top of list is the battle between George Wallace and Albert Brewer. To win the 1970 gubernatorial race in Alabama, Wallace ran a radio advertisement in which a police siren was followed by an announcer intoning: "Suppose your wife is driving home at 11 o'clock at night. She is stopped by a highway patrolman. He turns out to be black. Think about it. Elect George C. Wallace." Wallace won a fourth term in 1982. If you ever wondered what race baiting was, well that pretty much sums it up.